If you have a boss, customers, clients or anybody else that is paying you for a service that you are providing: then you have to take crap.

Shit, as they say, travels downhill.

Bosses are the worst type of crap givers. They usually delegate menial tasks that they can’t be bothered to do themselves. And guess what? When you complete that task, they’ll probably take credit for it too. Ever wonder how that guy or girl who seems to be ridiculously, incredibly and stupendously terrible at their job – yet they earn double the amount you do? Chances are they got there by passing more and more crap down to minions like you.

Clients are just as bad as bosses though. “I need this by 5pm.“, “How long is it going to take?”, “Why can’t you sort it out for me now?“, “If you don’t get me a better deal, I’ll go elsewhere.”

This is the law of the jungle. Much crap will be taken, and many faces will be palmed (if only in your mind).

The Law of The Jungle – The Layer Cake

I know I paraphrase a lot, mainly because I don’t like to research things thoroughly and write pure hearsay most of the time, but I’m going to quote the 2004 Brit gangster movie Layer Cake:

You’re born and you start to take shit. You get out into the world and you take even more shit. You climb a little higher and you start to take a little less shit. One day you’re in a rare atmosphere and you’ve forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake.

The character in question was actually talking about breaking legs, cutting off fingers, throwing bodies into rivers and other unsavoury gangster type activities.

For you, me and anyone else who wants to be an upstanding citizen it means we have to rise the ladder of life and achieve the lofty heights of a crapless atmosphere.

Why do we even take crap to begin with?

In your 9-5, your freelance consulting and your ebook empire you will receive questions, problems, rants and raves from clients and customers. Most bloggers I know get questions, problems, rants and raves from people who have never bought from them too.

We take their crap because we’re getting paid to. Plain and simple. If we’re being paid enough money, most people will take a little bit of crap and, for the most part, won’t let annoying customers ruin their day.

The problem with appeasing this angry mob is that it multiplies. Like a virus and Henri Junttila’s web domination they quickly increase in size and influence.

Before you know it, your inbox is 2k deep, your phone won’t stop ringing and you’ve got customers in your face threatening to punch you. Maybe I’m an antagonist but that last one has happened to me on more than one occasion.

Do you have the time and the patience to please everyone? What about the money you leave on the table by wasting your time taking crap? If you’re tired of being treated like a corporate whipping boy/girl, are spending more time mollycoddling one freelance client than working with the other five that give no problems, or are in a customer facing role where a black eye and a thick lip are becoming a real possibility, then it is definitely time to take less crap.

Removing crap and regaining your freedom

Here are my seven laws for taking less crap in the jungle. I’ve used these to reduce my inbox to >10 emails per day, no phone contact with anyone other than my Mum, and avoided numerous beatings at the hands of irate customers:

1. 80/20 everything. Yesterday was a pretty ironic day for me. I was right in the middle of explaining the basics of Pareto’s Principle to my boss when we were interrupted by an angry client. This client had been told that the service they had bought, worth around $30 a month in revenue to us for a minimum of 12 months, would not be available until February 9th. It was a physical barrier on his property and was out of our hands. There was no other alternative. The 9th was it, or nothing. They argued to and fro, and my boss did everything he could to keep this guy despite the fact it was getting quite personal and aggressive.

   In the end, he canceled and ordered a similar service from our (inferior) competitor. They take a fortnight to provide this service as well! So in the end, yes he saved one week, but their price is closer to $50 a month and is for a minimum of 18 months. He definitely falls into the 80% of crap that only delivers 20% of the revenue. If you have people like this in your business, do a ruthless 80/20 analysis and then see point #2.

2. Stop working with idiots. Sometimes the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze. The effort you put forth is only justified if the outcome results in something better. More money is not always the be-all end-all outcome. Time, freedom and less stress are much better outcomes in my opinion. You can always use 80/20 to find new clients with similar traits to the 20% that bring you 80% of the profits right now. You’ll have more clients, therefore more money, but your time, freedom and stress levels remain the same because they share the same low-maintenance characteristics as the clients you want to keep.

   My main stop working with idiots goal is to quit my job. It’s not my boss that is the idiot per se, more the entire ethos of the company itself is idiotic. Your life can drastically be improved by hand selecting who you want to work with. If you’re awesome, you can make a very healthy income with only a handful of brilliant clients. Choose wisely, grasshopper.

3. Offer a solution but don’t debate or justify it. I love Supernanny. Jo Frost kicks arse and teaches parents how to discipline their children. You can adopt some of the techniques to stop the temper tantrums of your clients. If they kick off and start whining or complaining, offer them a solution. One chance to solve the problem and nip it in the bud early. Do whatever you can, within reason/budget/law/morals etc, to fix it. If they don’t take the chance and continue to argue the point, do not be drawn into a debate or be forced to justify your actions.

   State simply and clearly, “I’ve offered you a viable solution that will solve the problem right now. Do you want me to fix this for you?” If they say yes then tell them you’re going to go and fix it right away and that you’ll advise (by email, but don’t tell them that) them when it is done. If they say no, tell them you have a meeting to attend to and that you will look into the matter further and contact them with an alternative solution. You’re not asking them to let you get off the call, you’re telling them you have to. This is the corporate naughty step. You’re taking the power back and getting back to them in your own time. Follow up with a simple email detailing the first solution offered and an alternative if there is one.

   Make them choose and force a reply by adding “Which one would you like me to do?”. If they still can’t behave, see #2 and cull them.

4. Set contact times and modes of contact. Train your clients to contact you at certain times of day using a certain method, preferably email. Use auto-responder replies to manage their expectations and teach them to deal with problems on their own without nagging you for every little question they have. Again it goes back to Supernanny, who should really become a client management consultant for large corporations, when she teaches mothers to not kiss or cuddle the child when they are crying, punching, kicking, screaming and asking for affection.

   By doing that, you are validating them and letting them know that if they kick up enough fuss and behave in that way, you will give them whatever they want. If they continue to email you or call you at all hours of the day, go back to #3 and put them on the naughty step. When working with difficult people, I make them wait for 2 minutes per year of their age before I get back to them. That 80 year old customer will only call me “a useless sack of [insert expletive for human excrement here]!” once.

5. Outsource your crap. I haven’t had a need to do this one yet but I’ll still throw in my quids worth. In my opinion, you should begin to create a client management system that culls problematic, troublemaker clients and frees up your time to focus on delivering awesomeness to the clients that actually pay your bills and make whatever it is you do for a living so fantastic! Once you have a system in place, the majority of it is automatic and late night abusive phone calls and face-to-face fisticuffs have been eradicated, you can look to outsource the rest.

   A lot of people complain about foreign call centers. Some people have even left my company that use operators in India and the Philippines using that as their reason. The funny thing is, the only other company that provides the same service as us in the UK also use operators in the same countries. And their waiting time is twice as long. Go figure.

   Anyway, the great thing about outsourcing your crap to India or wherever is that these guys and girls are literally unflappable. I’ve tested them. I had my step-dad (who is, what we would call in the UK, a total wind-up merchant – ask me for details) test them. No matter how annoying, obnoxious, abusive or plain stupid you act, they will continue to treat you with the utmost respect. You will be called Sir or Madam at all times, you will always be asked if there is anything else they can help you with and always be greeted and bid farewell to in the most regal of manners.

What if I’m still employed and can’t punch a client in the face?

I realise that as I write this, a lot of advice is only relevant for freelancers, entrepreneurs and bloggers making money with products. If you still work for “the man” then you can’t turn clients away no matter how much you want to.

To the people who still work and can’t use these tips fully I say this:

If you are reading this blog, you probably have aspirations to do more than push paper around at a desk all day. Start thinking now about how you can create a new business venture or blog. If you have a blog already then start thinking about potential joint ventures and products you can release. More details on this will be coming in the next few months.

When you’re in a position to go freelance or quit your job – do it. Once you start to become overwhelmed with crap, come back and read this post to relearn how to take less of it!

At this point I’d like to hand the baton over to you. I want to hear your absolute best crap taking story and what actions you do to take less of it. What’s the worst you’ve ever taken?